Oh Dear! Otaku Labyrinth!
by Cosmos Senshi
Summary: Jareth's at it again. Stealing precious items like baby brothers, cursed pieces of gold, math homework, and . . . YuGiOh Cards? Now Raven has to make it through the Labyrinth to save her precious card. Let the Randomness begin!
1. HolographicSecretRareUltraDeluxePrecious

Disclaimer: I own none of the anime series mentioned here, unless, of course, I actually own the item in real life. I don't own Labyrinth either, but I'd like to own Jareth.

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I sighed, looking out of the window. A faint breeze ruffled my waist-length dark hair and lifted the anime posters from the wall. My Cardcaptor Sakura pen tapped against the desk while my beloved Kirara plushie watched as strains of Ayumi Hamasaki floated to my ears from across the room. My school uniform was pristine and crisp, with a white blouse, gray skirt and black tie freshly pressed while my brown eyes anime-ishly surveyed the room.

It was the ideal otaku environment, except for one thing.

Homework.

"Glaaah!" I muttered, and would have thrown the Calculus book across the room would it have not hit my beloved Nuriko poster. I sniffed. "Why can't life be like anime where school girls get whisked off to another world? C'mon Destiny, any time now. I'm a normal high scholar wearing my school uniform. I FIT THE REQUIREMENTS!"

"Uhhh . . . Raven? Do you and your posters need to be left alone, cause I can do that," the hesitant voice of my brother asked, pointing to his room across the hall.

"What do you want?" I asked, swiveling towards him on my chair, unhappy about being interrupted in the middle of my rant.

"Wanted to see if you would duel me," he grinned. "Just got a new Yu-Gi-Oh card from the guys at the library."

"What'd you trade this time?" my curiosity took over.

"Well, I traded a Summoned Skull and Shadow Spell for this little baby," he thrust the card under my nose. I gasped.

"But that's the holographic, secret rare, ultra-deluxe, 1337 special edition Neo the Magic Swordsman!" I squealed, trying to snatch it out of his grasp.

"Yup. And it's all mine," he smirked, knowing how much I had wanted that card.

"But . . . but," I made my best puppy-dog face at him. "That's the card that I've wanted every since they came out with the game! I've borrowed my next 36 allowances just buying the booster packs that come with the card! Collin, you've got to let me have that card!"

"Fifty dollars," he quoted, naming his price.

I exploded. "FIFTY! FIFTY! I don't have that kind of money! You've got to be kidding me!"

"Twenty then," he sighed, waving the card in front of my face and watching in amusement as my eyes followed it back and forth.

I whimpered, but gave in. "Deal." I pulled out my Totoro bank and shook out the money I was supposed to be saving for a convention, but kept buying more manga with. I t totaled slightly more than twenty-five dollars. "Here," I poured the money, mostly change, into his hands.

"Pleasure doing business with you," he grinned and dropped the card in front of me.

"Whoo bay-bee! Come to momma!" I exclaimed, with joy, rubbing my cheek over the metallic surface. "My precioussssss," I hissed, looking around for potential Bilbos to pop up.

Collin rolled his eyes. "I'm living with a weirdo," he muttered and shook his head, heading out of the room.

"I'm going to love you and hug you and squeeze you, yes I am," I crooned to the card, kissing the picture and tracing the manly outline of Neo with my finger. "No orc, or elf, or dwarf, or gnome, or goblin will every take you, precious."

Collin popped his head up. "I thought that was from Lord of the Rings," he commented.

"Listen, if they make The Hobbit into a comic book and let me have access to it, I can't be responsible for the consequences," I snapped at him.

"Riiiight. Mom says it's dinner time. Getcher butt downstairs." Collin flashed me a grin that made me want to throw my Hamtaro pillow at him.

"Gimmie a sec," I called after him. Making sure that no annoying Bilbos or Frodos were around, I reached for the locked box that held all of my Yu-Gi-Oh cards and unlocked it. Sitting on the top of the very formidable pile of anime goodies was a rubber-banded group of my favorite cards. Giving it one last kiss, I gently placed my special Neo the Magic Swordsman on top of the pile and closed the lid, locking the box, and headed to dinner.

After a wonderful meal of chopstick-eaten spaghetti, causing the rest of my family to wonder what went wrong in the gene pool, I bounded up the stairs, uniform skirt still on, ready for any sort of whisking to a magical world that might happen any second.

Thinking back, I should have been more prepared.

I burst into my room, singing the Saiyuki theme song to myself, going straight for my desk. I was so preoccupied, I didn't even notice the complete bishonen on the other side of the room.

"Good evening, Raven," a cool voice wafted to by ears.

I whirled about, thinking first that I had been wishing so badly for a manga experience that I was hallucinating. My second though was whether or not I should get a bucket for the drool that was threatening to ruin my pristine uniform.

In front of me was a man whose hotness could only be compared to Gackt, one hunk of a J-Pop artist. His blonde hair was fixed into a mullet that would have made Rurouni Kenshin jealous. Framing his legs were form-fitting tights straight out of the classic Princess Tutu and eyes most definitely from some Clamp shojo manga. However, above the eyes . . .

"You have Dorothy eyebrows," I informed him.

He seemed taken aback, and raised said eyebrows. "I beg your pardon?"

"Dorothy. From Gundam Wing. Hang on a sec, I'll show you a picture." I rummaged around in my bookcase, dislodging various Fushigi Yugi and Inu-Yasha books before finally coming across the third volume of Gundam Wing in which there was a close shot of Dorothy's head.

"Here, see?" I flipped to the page and showed him.

"Hn," he looked over my shoulder, which allowed me to get a very nice view of what the tights covered . . . or at least tried to. I had to fight to keep my drool from overflowing onto said area.

"You're right. I'll have to get my stylist to fix that later," he muttered, plucking the book from my hands to examine it closer.

"Wait, this isn't what I came here for," he corrected himself, tossing the book over his shoulder. Making an eeping noise, I ran fro it and managed to catch the spine before it hit the ground.

"You do not EVER throw my manga," I growled at him, eyes flashing. "Just who do you think you are anyway!"

He gave me a smirk. "I am Jareth, king of the goblin city."

"Uh huh. That's nice. Hotohori's got a better title than you though," I muttered distractedly, placing Gundam W back in its appropriate spot.

"Listen, Raven," he tried to get back my attention. "You made a boast before dinner about how you would never let any goblin or gnome or elf steal your card."

"Dwarves too, but what about?" I asked, turning back to him.

"We've decided to take you up on your little challenge." Jareth grinned. "I've stolen your card."

My first impression was one of "Yeah, right," but when he produced my card out of thin air, my disbelief went up in smoke, becoming raging anger. "YOU GIVE THAT BACK!" I yelled at him, leaping for my precious card, grabbling at the air.

"Aah, ah, ah. Manners, Raven," he tsk-ed at me, flashing a wicked grin. He flicked his fingers, and my card disappeared, replaced with a clear crystal ball.

My interest perked. "Is that the Shikon Jewel?" I asked, severe otaku-ness taking over again.

I swear, if he wasn't the goblin king, and trying to be so suave, he probably would have face-fell right into my carpeted floor.

"No, Raven," he chuckled, trying to right himself. "This is a crystal ball. Nothing more, nothing less. Look in here."

I peered in. "Shiny." I looked back up at him. "So what?"

He sighed dramatically. "Look deeper."

I squinted into its depths again. I fell into swirling clouds, watching a scene unfold. I was there, surrounded by all types of otaku goodies. There was a closet full of anime-themed clothing, right down to Hello Kitty socks. The room was practically insulated with all types of posters, wall scrolls, clocks, figurines, plushies, and cells. Even the lovely futon had Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon portrayed brilliantly in 24 thread count cotton. But best of all, on either sides of the room were two things that made me want to faint. The first was a humongous bookshelf, filled to bursting with alphabetized manga, every one I had ever read, and more. The second, which I nearly died seeing, was a full-length TV screen, taking up most of the wall, the rest being a shelf filled with DVDs.

I whimpered and shut my eyes.

I opened them.

The room was still there.

"I have come . . . to heaven," I sighed, flopping down on the futon, and grabbing the nearest plushie, which turned out to be an adorable Inu-Yasha.

"Enjoying yourself?" a cool voice asked, knocking me out of my reverie. I scowled upwards at him from the crystal.

"Yes, actually. Now if you don't mind, I'll be going back in there." I glanced back down, but the crystal ball had vanished, leaving me with a clear view of Jareth's OTHER ball.

"I take it you liked that little excursion?" he chuckled at me.

"Yuh huh," I replied, focusing on the place where the crystal used to be.

"My eyes are up here."

"So's your hair. What's your point?"

"My point is, Raven," he smiled, too cool to be fazed for long by me, "Is that all of what you saw . . . could be yours."

I looked at him skeptically. "Am I on Candid Camera?" Getting no reaction from that, I assumed he wasn't just poking cruel fun at the broke otaku. "What's the catch?"

"No catch," he smiled benevolently at me, producing the crystal out of thin air again. "Either you have what you saw, and not the card, or you play my game, and get your card back. No catch at all, Raven."

I thought for a second. The crystal's promise was tempting . . . but . . . Hey! Wait a minute! I paid twenty dollars for that card! And there's the plot to think of . . . Ooooh no. Jareth-sama here had messed with the wrong fangirl.

"You're going down," I grinned at him, attempting to pull off the whole fang-hanging-over-lip look, but instead looked like I just drank sour milk.

He smirked at me. "As you wish, Raven." Unfolding his arms, and allowing me to sneak a peek at his magnificently spandexed crotch, he caused the scene to change from my anime'd out the wazoo bedroom to a barren wasteland, with a maze in the distance.

"There is the labyrinth," he pointed. "In the middle is my castle. You have thirteen hours to get there. Unless you wish to go back, of course."

I glared at him, probably looking like I had a cramp. "You have incurred the wrath of the mighty otaku," I intoned. "Prepare to meet the consequences."

He gestured at me, and a watch with thirteen numbers on the face appeared on my wrist. "I'll be watching," and with a flick of his eyebrows, he disappeared.

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Anime Lexicon:

Cardcaptor Sakura: Anime that was actually on Kids WB for a while. Had Taco Bell toys recalled for "occult concerns"

Kirara: A demon cat from the series Inu-Yasha. Is really cute, and I actually own the plushie. It sits on my desk, glaring at me to do my homework.

Ayumi Hamasaki: A popular J-Pop artist. Download some of her stuff. She's excellent.

Otaku: Literally "fan," usually a detrimental term, but in this case, Raven's proud to be one.

Nuriko: Character from Fushigi Yugi. I own the poster of him/her/it. Yay for gender bending.

Destiny: Not technically a reference, since I wasn't calling him by name, but I love Destiny from Neil Gaiman's Sandman. Read it. Now.

"Fit the requirements": Raven is referring to the fact that most "normal high school students" get whisked off to a magical world while still wearing their school uniform.

Yu-Gi-Oh! – Japanese anime that's quite popular here. There are tournaments and games that go on at local libraries, and yes, my little brother does frequent them.

Summoned Skull and Shadow Spell – Two cards from Yu-Gi-Oh.

Holographic, secret rare, ultra-deluxe, 1337 special edition Neo the Magic Swordsman: Umm, again, not a reference. There is a card called Neo the Magic Swordsman, and I think he's very hot, but it's just a normal card.

Totoro: An anime made by the god Hayao Miyazaki. Same guy who made Spirited Away and won an Academy Award for it. Worship his socks.

Convention: A gathering of like minded people. Basically, an anime convention is were everyone dresses in costume and eats lots of goodies.

Manga: Japanese comic books.

The Hobbit: They did make it into a comic book. Seriously. My friend got it for me for Christmas last year.

Hamtaro: You have been living under a rock if you haven't heard of this series. Cute hamsters in adventures. My friend's sister is obsessed with this show, and does have a huge Hamtaro pillow.

Saiyuki: A series based on the Chinese folktale "Journey to the West." Four hot guys traveling to India alone. –drool-

Bishonen: Impossibly beautiful men, usually with effeminate characteristics

Gackt: I have two lovely pictures of this man in my locker. Google him and drool.

Rurouni Kenshin: A man with a mullet. No, seriously, a wandering swordsman with lovely red hair.

Princess Tutu: I have never seen it, but a cute series where all the men wear tights

CLAMP: A group of four women who make manga. Made Cardcaptor Sakura and many other famous manga.

Shojo: Literally "Girl," usually refers to something that girls like.

Dorothy from Gundam Wing: HER EYEBROWS COULD KILL A MAN FROM TWENTY PACES!

Fushigi Yugi: Excellent magical girl series. Hot men galore

Inu-Yasha: Dog-demon with squishy ears. Comes on Cartoon Network every Saturday.

Hotohori: Fushigi Yugi man. Lovely hair, and the Emperor of Konan. See, that's so much more impressive than "Jareth, king of the goblins."

Shikon Jewel: Plot device in Inu-Yasha. Basically, a round crystal thingy.

Hello Kitty: Again, I say, you have been living under a rock.

Bishojo Senshi Sailor Moon: Formal title of Sailor Moon. Magical girls in short skirts.

-sama: A term of respect. In Raven's case, she's poking fun at Jareth.

Fang-hanging-over-lip look: A lot of more masculine men have fangs that hang over their lips when they're doing something masculine. I don't get it, but they look hot.

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Okay, you all know the drill. If you want this story to continue, then you review and make me happy. Lots of randomness and funny stouf, I promise. Thank you for reading, and push that little button down at the bottom. Come on, you know you want to.


	2. Digital Faerie Disk

A/N: Wow, I wasn't really expecting any reviews. This makes me feel so happy. -sniffs- Just to clarify any misconceptions you may have had, Jareth is not going to fall in love with Raven, or vice-versa. I have no intent of paring Jareth with any other character than Sarah, and she isn't appearing in this fic. Sorry about the shortness, but I had Muppet goblins running through my head singing "Dance Magic, Dance" for TWO WHOLE DAYS, so I figured that I'd better get this story out.

Disclaimer: I own no anime series, unless you count the promo "Flame of Recca" DVD I got with this month from Animerica. I don't own Labyrinth, it's my mother's copy that's older than I am. I only tried to fast-forward through the entire movie to get to Sarah's pretty dress and skip the Fieries.

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"The LEAST he could have done was make the watch Ranma ½," I grumbled to myself, berating Jareth on his choice of watch. It was a light Swiss type watch, but I would have liked it better if it had a panda on the face. Muttering about stupid mulleted goblins, I walked to the gates of the Labyrinth.

They were huge. To say that I could have easily have crammed my school into it and still had room for tea would have been an understatement. I approached the massive gates. "Open Sesame?" I asked hesitantly. They didn't budge. "Sherbert Lemon? Cockroach Cluster? Acid Pop?" Nothing. Time to change tactics . . . or series.

I placed my hand on the iron door. "OPEN THE GATE!" I bellowed.

Birds, or whatever passed for them here, chirruped in the distance.

"Dang, I thought Gate Keepers woulda . . ." the gates creaked open. ". . . worked," I finished with a triumphant grin.

Stepping into the maze, I looked around, "Jareth really needs to fire his interior decorator," I commented dryly, noting the damp walls and moss, along with numerous species of vines. "Maybe he'll do it around the same time he fires his stylist."

Two paths lead from the doors, both leading in opposite directions along the side of the Labyrinth. "Well, that's a bust," I thought aloud. "Okay, now let's see. Theseus used a ball of string . . . Can't tell what the people in "Maze" did, cause I haven't read it . . . Someone else did all right turns . . . another person had a ball of enchanted string. . ."

I rummaged in my left pocket for some enchanted string. I came up with some spare change, a couple of pens, and a receipt for my latest copy of Alice 19th. I reached into my right pocket. No ball of thread there, but I did have . . . POCKY! WOOT! I pulled out a packet and opened it, walking along the right side of the Labyrinth, blissfully munching my snack.

"'Ello," a small voice cheerfully called out from the wall, snapping me out of my Pocky induced coma. I peered at the creature. It was an adorably kawaii little worm, fluffy hairs poking from its head. "I want it," I whispered to myself, repeating the maxim of Akira's mothers from Clamp Campus Detectives.

"You'd like to come in for a cup of tea?" asked the worm. "The missus'd be glad to have ya."

"Believe me, I'd love to," I said, crouching down. "But I probably wouldn't fit in your home, and I'm really in a hurry. Jareth stole something precious to me, and I intend to get it back," I said politely, making a point to be nice to the worm. You never knew when animals could be magical. Just look at Mokona from Magic Knight Rayearth. He turned out to be the creator of the universe. You might've just put a sign on him saying "Please do not piss off the pink fluffball."

"Jareth's been stealing baby brother's again, has he?" the worm nodded knowingly.

"Noooooo," I said, confused. "He took my Yu-Gi-Oh! card."

The worm's face broke open into a grin. "You'd be collecting them too then, would you? In that case, are you sure you don't want to come inside?" Me 'n the missus was just about to watch the uncut subtitled version.

I swear, my mouth dropped open big enough to fit a Gundam inside. I had to fight the urge to drool of Yu-Gi-Oh! in all of its uncut subtitled Japanese glory. "Well, I do have thirteen hours . . ." I made a last attempt at resisting the worm's offer, but gave up and followed him inward while my body steadily went all Miyuki-chan in Wonderland.

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Jareth gazed at the scene unfolding in his crystal ball. Just as he thought. The girl was no match for all the temptations along the way. He glanced up from the ball, and watched in amusement from his high perch in the throne room. Below him, a full scale casino swirled away, flashing lights, jingling coins, and the cries of excitement or disappointment as someone won or lost.

He would have chuckled and rubbed his hands gleefully if it wasn't below his dignity. This casino was a stroke of genius. Now Jareth, King of the Goblins, was going to be the richest fae in all of Faerie. Casino notwithstanding, there was going to be the DFD (Digital Faerie Disk) of Raven's quest, merchandising of her quest, and all of the humungous bets made on the outcome.

Jareth was so preoccupied in his thoughts, he nearly didn't notice the goblin tugging on his pristine poet's shirt. "Yes, what is it, Hogwash?" he snapped, not even bothering to turn around.

"It's Hoggle, yer majesty," Hoggle spoke in a gravely tone. "Beggin' yer pardon m'lord, but the Labyrinth 'as been set up fer the girl like ya said."

"Excellent," Jareth's mismatched eyes gleamed in the lights. "If I could have your attention, my Lords and Ladies," he called into the crowd, changing his costume so as to make a larger impression on them. The black fabric hugged his form, and when he opened his arms, the draping sleeves offered a magnificent view of his body built form.

"The Labyrinth is now ready!" he announced in a grand tone, teeth flashing. "For a mere gold piece every five minutes, you many check up on your contestant via our pixie cams!"

The crowd roared its approval, and pixies of every color came flying in, carrying a box linked to one of their brethren monitoring the Labyrinth outside. Jareth contentedly left the room, humming something that sounded suspiciously like Bare Naked Ladies' "If I Had A Million Dollars."

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Anime Lexicon:

Ranma ½: Hilarious series where a guy changes into a girl when splashed with cold water. Has some of the cutest watches around.

"Sherbert Lemon? Cockroach Cluster? Acid Pop?": Harry Potter reference. You'll figure it out.

"OPEN THE GATE!": From GateKeepers, a series where high school kids channel their powers by saying what Raven did. Meh, I thought it was funny.

Theseus: Greek Mythology reference to the guy who slayed the Minotaur.

Maze: Arin Ross informs me that it has absolutely nothing to do with a maze; it's another one of those incest animes. I haven't personally seen it myself, so I'll take her word for it, but it makes a nice reference to the Labyrinth, donnit?

Alice 19th: Another Magical girl series. Read it.

Pocky: If you have not had it, I shun you. It's a biscuit covered in a sweet topping. Very nummy.

Kawaii: Fangirl Japanese. "Cute"

Akira's Mothers from Clamp Campus Detectives: Since their son is a thief, whenever they see something they want, they say "WE WANT IT!" and Akira gets it for them. Convenient, huh?

Mokona from Magic Knight Rayearth: Pink fluffball who just happened to be the creator of the universe. Let this be a warning not to piss off animals.

Gundam: Giant Robot from the Gundam series. Google image search is your friend.

Miyuki-chan in Wonderland: Clamp manga I have not read, but would guess that she does indeed shrink, since it's based on Alice in Wonderland. If this is a wrong inference, please tell me.

"If I Had A Million Dollars": Hilariously funny, like all of BNL's songs. One of the lines is "If I had a Million Dollars, We wouldn't have to eat Kraft dinner!" Hehehehe


	3. Puffs of Logic

A/N: A few things: I'm sorry this is a bit late, but this is one of the hardest scenes to re-create because NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON! I had to wake up at 5 o'clock today to re-watch Labyrinth and see what exactly happened. As a result, David Bowie was singing and shaking his butt to "Dance Magic Dance" all through math class today. Do you know how hard it is to concentrate when David Bowie is singing?

Oh yes, I want to glomp you all! –sniffles- I woke up the day after I posted chapter two, and there were 6, count them, 6 e-mails in my inbox saying I got reviews. You guys made my day. That said, here's chapter three!

Disclaimer: I don't even own the video of Labyrinth, it belongs to my mother, and I placed it on the shelf for ten years because I was that scared of the freaky Fieries.

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About two hours after entering the house , having zombie'd myself in front of the worm's very nice plasma TV, I thanked them (read: worshiped their fluff, since they didn't have socks) and left the house singing the theme song, "Voice," to myself.

Come to think of it, I should have asked for directions.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!" I yelled at everything in sight, having a very large impression on the bricks. They were so frightened, they had stopped moving.

At least the worms had kindly told me how to get through the wall. Who woulda guessed that the wall had a Chichiri-style optical illusion?

Having ranted my anger, I walked through the Labyrinth's twists and turns, desert like setting making me wish for Alice 19th type Lotus power so I could have some water. I found yet another dead end and slumped down on the ground, glancing at the watch Jareth had given me. Oops. I had spent wayyyyy too much time at the worm's house. Ten hours left to my search. I giggled nervously, and looked around to see if anyone had seen my embarrassment. Surprisingly, someone had.

Strange laughter drew my gaze as I blinked at the once dead end. Two odd dog-like creatures carried shields that had a diamond and circle on them. One was in red livery, the other in blue. What really made me stare was the identical heads on the underside of the shields.

"This was a dead end just a minute ago!" I exclaimed, trying not to freak.

"No, that's the dead end behind you!" the undersided red one sniggered, while his blue companion hid himself behind his shield to keep me from seeing his laughter.

"It keeps changing! How am I supposed to travel a Labyrinth that changes more times than Cephiro without a Pillar!" I griped.

"Try one of the doors," the upside down blue one suggested. "One of them leads to the castle, but the other leads to . . ."

"Dun dun dum," his upwards companion supplied.

"Certain death," he finished, and all four . . . or two of the creatures went behind their shields in hysterics again.

"So which one's which?" I asked, hoping again.

"Uhhh . . . . we don't know," the lower blue admitted. "But they do," he said helpfully.

"Okay, I'll ask them then."

"No! You can't!" The upper blue now said. "You can only ask one of us."

"It's in the rules!" upper red agreed. "But I'll warn you, one of us always tells the truth, and one of us always lies. He always lies," he jerked his thumb at his upper companion.

"I do no!" the other said indignantly. "I always tell the truth!"

"Ooh! What a lie!" the upper red disagreed.

"He's the liar!" upper blue accused.

I groaned to myself. Logic. Kami-sama, WHY did it have to be logic. Math had always been my worst subject.

"Ummm . . . . okay," I managed out. "Let's see . . . Yu-Gi-Oh! Duelist's Kingdom had something like this . . ." I pondered. "The twin underground maze acrobat brothers with the kanji on their forehead. Mnnn . . . Jonouchi asked about the doors, but that didn't work because there were two of them . . ." the creatures watched me, obviously mystified by my cryptic otaku mutterings. Finally, I hit on it.

"Wait a second! You!" I pointed at the red one. "Said that one of you always tells the truth, and one always lies. So that statement must be true, or else you are the liar. But if you are the liar, you couldn't have told the truth that one lies and the other tells the truth."

They blinked at this and I continued to ramble.

"Then you must be the truthful one. So the other one is the liar, meaning that when he said I could only ask one of you a question, he was lying. But you agreed with him saying that it's in the rules, proving that he was truthful, and you must be the liar, which we have already agreed that you cannot be." I started talking quickly, getting excited now. "So since both of you have told the truth, then your statement is necessarily false, negating your very existence. Ergo, you don't exist."

"Oh bugger," all said at once, and disappeared in a puff of logic.

"HA!" I crowed, exhilarated by my success. "Take that! Thank you Detective Conan!" I would have laughed in Jareth's face, were he here. "You cannot best the brilliant mind of Raven! BWA! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

After praising my name for a solid five minutes, I calmed down enough to remember that I was on a deadline. "Oh. Crap." I suddenly realized. "I FORGOT TO ASK WHICH DOOR WAS WHICH!" I wailed, suddenly upset again.

Swearing fluently in fangirl Japanese, I steeled myself and closed my eyes, swirling around and grabbling for the closest door. Opening it, I stepped into the new setting.

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Jareth chuckled to himself, watching the scene unfold in his crystal. Still below him, the Faerie were pumping gold coins by the pound into the boxes of pixie minions recruited by Hoggle from the front gates of the Labyrinth. After this was over, he was going to take a holiday Aboveground using well-earned cash. Perhaps on one of those vaunted cruise ships.

A shower of gold appearing next to him alerted Jareth to another's presence. Changing clothes again to a stunning deep blue this time, he came down on one knee before the incoming Fae and kissed her hand.

"My Lady Titania," he said smoothly from his position on the floor.

"Jareth," Titania gave him a regal smile and lifted him from his knees. "This is quite an establishment you have here," she commented, striding to the balcony, her magnificent green dress trailing behind her. "All this excitement over a mere mortal?"

"It is amusing, is it not?" Jareth came to stand by his queen's side. "Usually one has to take school projects or baby siblings to get this type of reaction. Fussing over a mere card," he snorted politely.

Titania stroked her long fingers over her cheek. "Ah, yes. The Williams girl? I had heard rumors that you professed love to her." Jareth stiffened. "Well, no matter. She beat the Labyrinth and got her due reward."

"Indeed," Jareth forced out, trying to keep his poise in front of the Fae Queen.

Titania turned from the faerie below to the Goblin King. "What do you say to a little wager on the girl?" she suggested, her smile inviting. "She seems to be very determined for just a human."

Jareth considered this offer. Fae were known to be very crafty, and he and Titania were no exceptions. "I place on hundred pieces of gold on my Labyrinth."

"Oh come now, Jareth," Titania laughed lightly, a faint chiming sound. "You can do much better than that. I bet a thousand gold coins on the girl," she announced with finality.

Jareth would have winced were he not in Titania's presence. "Content," he nodded, and shook her hand on the bargain.

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Anime Lexicon:

"Voice": One of the theme songs to Yu-Gi-Oh

Chichiri: A warrior with spiritual powers to create illusions and turn chibi at any given moment. From the series Fushigi Yugi.

Alice 19th: Raven is referring to the Lotus power to create water out of the word "Dasu"

Cephiro: A country in the world of Magic Knight Rayearth that needs a person to be a "pillar" so the world won't fall apart, be eaten by cheese, and such the like.

Kami-sama: Fangirl Japanese for "Dear Lord"

Yu-Gi-Oh! Duelist Kingdom: The first season of Yu-Gi-Oh shown in America.

Jonouchi: The Japanese name for Joey Wheeler

Detective Conan: Referred to as "Case Closed," a series with a mini Sherlock Holmes.

"Puff of Logic": Reference to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. An excellent book, read it.

Fangirl Japanese: When someone uses a strange combination of Japanese and English that others usually can't figure out. The story "Nihongo sugoi, ne?" by Winged Dancer is an excellent example, and I heartily recommend you read it.

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Rrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!


	4. Tax Included, Orico Accepted

It only took a year, but I finally got this chapter off of my chest. I'm sorry for the wait! My writing style has changed somewhat, so it's not quite as spazzy as before, but I think I've thought up enough new plot twists that wouldn't have otherwise come about to make up for the lack of spaz. I am working on the next few chapters now (during Health, American History, and Math, which have got to be the most tedious classes in existence) and unless I get waylaid by new episodes of Prince of Tennis, dragged off to my friend's cave to produce plotbabies, or sucked into another series. In case of the emergency these occurrences guarantee, please click the little gray button at the bottom of the page and give me a metaphysical butt-kicking. Thanks!

The previous three chapters have been revised, so please read them again (it's probably been a while since you've read it anyway.)

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Labyrinth, but I have to make do with my friend's copy, since I can't properly worship Jareth's crotch in the presence of my mother.

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"Would you hentais GET OFF!"

I was currently suspended above a large gaping pit by a few dozen hands, which, despite having saved me from going SPLAT, were taking advantage of my unfortunate predicament. I know the Japanese have a fetish for tentacle monsters, (as you will note if you ever watch an ecchi flick or a live-action power ranger type movie) but it seemed as if Jareth was forsaking the conventional tentacles and going for hands.

I swear one of them groped me.

"As fun as it is hanging here and trying to find a manga reference for you guys, I've got to go rescue my card, so if you don't mind . . ." I trailed off, wondering if they could hear . . . or even see me.

"Well, which way do you want to go?" a group of hands came together in the semblance of a face.

"Woah . . . weird." I stared, and then realized that he/she/it/cheese had asked a question. "Wait, what?"

"Up or down?" another face asked, this one's voice a pitch higher.

"Up please?' I wibbled plaintively, trying out my new patented, copyrighted, all rights reserved "Blinku Blinku" look with the accessorizing "Shojo Sorrow" (Both available from Raven Zaibatsu for the low monthly cost of ¥3000! (tax included, Orico accepted)).

The hands gave what appeared to be a sigh, then slowly started lifting me back up out of the hole until I could jump out by myself. I scrambled up the side as quickly as humanly possible in a skirt, but not before I received one last grope and a few fingers slipping something in my pocket. When I pulled out the note, it had a picture of a hand and a phone number involving letters and what appeared to be the sounds of colors.

After I got over the shock of "Ewww, ewww, gross, a hand asked me out," I looked over yet another new set of surroundings.

Somewhow, whatever location I was expecting had turned into a dark cave, and I had to stumble through the pitch black, despite the rule that all heroines must be able to see where they're going (Unless, of course, it's a guy manga, but then the heroine is actually only the love interest put there for comic relief and boob grabs, so it's not really imperative that she anything beside the face of the mind-numbingly dumb hero, and what clothes she wears).

"Is this even a maze anymore?" I grumbled to myself, only managing to keep standing and walk by feeling my way along the wall. "Damn, this is almost as bad as when Cardcaptor Sakura fought the _Dark_ card in volume five. At least I've got something to touch."

"The wall suddenly disappeared, as if it was mocking me.

" . . . I stand corrected."

I took a few more hesitant steps forward, muttering about stupid literal anthropomorphic mazes and mulleted goblins. Then, like any other clumsy, bumbling shojo character, I tripped and fell down yet another hole.

Fortunately, I landed on something that broke my fall rather well, if not swearing more than a ticked off yakuza.

"Would you GET THE HELL OFFA ME!"

"Gomenasai!" I quickly backed off whoever was underneath me, bowing in apology.

"That hurt!" the person moved from where I had flattened him, rubbing his head in annoyance . . . and probably pain.

"Sumimasen!" I piled my voice high with all the sincerity and "be nice to me, I'm the main character" I could muster.

The figure paused. "Anime?" he asked, cocking his head.

"And manga. Otaku."

"Gamer."

A silence fell as far across the cave as was possible. It was kinda cramped in there for it to fall very far.

"So we're in the same boat then?"

"Looks like."

" . . ."

"I'm Raven."

"Skye."

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"Who is that?" Titania's manicured fingernails rapped the balcony rail absently as she viewed Raven via pixie-cam (free of charge, of course)

"Another quester. He entered the Labyrinth when Raven was watching whatever cartoon that was with the worms, but got stuck in an oubliette within the first hour." Jareth frowned. "I could have sworn that there were no oubliettes in that part of the Labyrinth. Strange that she should have fallen in one."

"Perhaps you are not quite the master of the Labyrinth yet," Titania mused, ignoring the sudden blaze of anger in Jareth's eyes. "This changes the odds quite a bit, don't you agree?"

"Indeed." Jareth recovered from the insult and regained his usual conceited expression. "I believe that it is time for me to pay a visit to the Labyrinth and see her progress myself."

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Anime Lexicon:

Hentai: Literally, pervert.

Tentacle monster: Hmm, what's a way to explain this while keeping the rating down? Okay, when a monster with tentacles and a young girl are very horny, they get together and most of the girl's clothes get ripped off. That's about as clean as you're gonna get.

Ecchi: Perverted, porno, eww eww gross get it away, etc.

Live-action-power rangers type: The tentacle monsters have a tendency of popping up in TV shows, anime and manga that are not hentai as well, but nothing happens, just the hero getting temporarily tied up in the tentacles. The live action Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon is my favorite example of this, since at least once (or twice) every five episodes, there's some form of tentacles.

"Blinku Blinku" and "Shojo Sorrow: Many shojo heroines have a "don't kick the cute puppy look" combined with some blinking that renders all bishonen in a thirty-mile radius unable to think straight.

Zaibatsu: A group of powerful, influential families that rose quickly through the ranks after WWII. Mitsubishi and Honda are prime examples of families still existent today, selling cars.

Tax included, Orico accepted: The Japanese actually factor taxes into their products, which saves a lot of hassle and wondering if you've got the correct change. Orico is a type of Japanese credit card somewhat akin to a Visa.

Heroines must see where they're going: Except in some genres, usually despite being in a dark cave/street/house/wheel of cheese, most heroines can see what they're doing (though they might stub a toe or two, just to keep the reader's anxiety high).

Heroine is only the love interest: Most shonen (boy) manga will not focus on the girl, using her only as an extra.

Boob grabs: Hero is stuck in situation with girl, wants to talk to her, blah blah blah, trips/is pushed/falls, is saved from the hard floor only by her substantially large boobs. Ken Akamatsu of "Love Hina" is particularly well known for this stunt, having subjected his characters to it at least once a volume.

Cardcaptor Sakura/_Dark_ card: The _Dark_ card took over for a while and when she was trying to find her way out of the darkness, there was nothing to touch. Fortunately, a magical plot point was revealed and everything turned out hunky-dory.

Clumsy, bumbling shojo character: Sadly enough, most manga-ka (authors) will make the heroine a complete klutz. Prime example: Sailor Moon.

Yakuza: Japanese mafia

Gomenasai/Sumimasen: "I'm really sorry" in Japanese.

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Thanks to Aeolus the Soul Hunter for giving me a poke to finish this fic!

Reviews will be squealed over, flames used for firestarters.


	5. The Oubliette of Exposition

A/N: I swear, I meant to have this chapter up about three weeks ago, but certain things happened . . . like DDR and homework and Labyrinth fanfiction, then organizing music and watching Prince of Tennis and organizing those screenshots and . . . I'm a procrastinator, what can I say?

Disclaimer: Ug steal long-haired male. Ug drag off to cave to make babies. Ug beat off lawyers with pointy stick.

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"So what did Jareth steal from you?' I asked Skye, who had produced a candle and matches from his pocket. In the candle's light, he was actually kind of cute, with ruffled blonde hair, black cargo pants, no shirt to speak of, but a gray vest that only partially concealed a physique that spoke of many hours playing DDR on standard mode. Considering his costume, it was apparent that he was as prepared for getting whisked off to another world as I was, so in addition to a light source, he had also produced some pretty tasty energy bars and water from a satchel. As the typical shojo heroine, I was prepared by having absolutely nothing except my feminine charms by which to grab the attention of a bishonen and make him do all the work for me.

I had found a very nice bishonen indeed.

"Do you play any video games?" he asked in reply, taking a manly bite of his energy bar.

"Ehh? A few. I've got DDR and a few RPGs, but nothing much. It's only enough to keep me knowing the bare basics. A well-rounded otaku must not only learn to like most genres of manga and anime, but also enjoy Japanese culture, music, live action movies, food, games, and try their hand at fanfiction, fanart and doujinshi." I recited from "OTAKU: Things YOU Need to Know".

He eyerolled. "Really, it's a wonder you actually get to school, with all this education you're getting."

I gave him a look and he continued.

"How big is the memory card in your system?"

I thought for a minute. "About sixty-four megs, why?"

"It's backstory, and we're giving the readers a frame of reference. Guess how big my memory card was."

"From the exposition you're giving, I'd say pretty damn big."

He gave a suffering sigh. "It was five gigs."

"Grrawwghhwaaallaaa?"

My eyes were bulging, and I made a slight gasping noise like a fish yokai out of water.

"FIVE GIGS! I thought those were things of legend! Like magic swords and pompadours! Hell, I've never even seen anything bigger than two, and those are ultra rare!"

"I managed to get my hands on one," He said mournfully. "It was the prize in a no-hands barred duel of Kingdom Hearts. It was exclusively known to only a few gamers besides myself and cost two hundred and fifty dollars to enter, but the competition was still harsh. The person who won in the least amount of time took home the ultimate prize, which was the memory card and had their entrance fee refunded. It took sixty-eight hours of gameplay, six caffeine injections and multiple bandages for my blistered thumbs, but I won by twenty-three minutes and forty-two seconds."

"And the worst part is . . . " he broke down. "Jareth stole the card right before I could beat the final boss in Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus!"

"You poor gamer!" I exclaimed, coming up and patting him on the back. "That makes me so sad . . . I want to cry . . ."

My stomach interrupted the sympathizing with a rather audible growl.

" . . . can I have another energy bar?"

Skye handed over another package.

"What did you get stolen?"

I swallowed the food and tried to make my eyes blaze angrily. I managed a nice smolder, but it went out quickly.

"He took my Yu-Gi-Oh card!"

" . . . a card . . ." Skye sounded unimpressed.

"It wasn't a normal card! It was the holographic, secret rare, ultra-deluxe, 1337 special edition Neo the Magic Swordsman!"

Now his eyes widened. "No way," he breathed. "That card's supposed to be practically nonexistent."

"My brother traded for it," I sounded smug. "He must've conned some n00b who didn't know what they had. In any case, I have one. Or _had_ one, until that kisama took it!"

Skye pondered this for a while, probably wondering what the term I dropped in there meant, but decided not to ask. "So . . . how do we get out of here?" he finally asked.

"Beats me," I shrugged. "This is your area of expertise anyway. It's more like an RPG than any manga I've ever read."

"Well . . . generally I would have come across a key or something equally plot-point-y before now that would conveniently unlock a hidden keyhole, or there's something in this room that can get us out."

I looked around, but all I saw was a small wooden plank that looked vaguely like a door.

"Hey . . ." we both said at the same time.

"Door?" I asked.

"Door," he confirmed.

Skye lifted up the plank and put it against a likely-looking portion of the wall, where it _clicked_ satisfactorily into the stone. He wedged his fingers between the wood and the stone, pulling the door open.

Oddly enough, there was a huge city with towers, flying hummer things, and brass trumpet theme music.

"Kingsbury!" I gasped (in a Japanese accent, of course, but the subtitles still show the word in English).

"Huh?" Skye looked at me with a puzzled expression.

"Kingsbury. From Haru no Ugoku Shiro."

There was much confused blinking on his part.

"Howl's Moving Castle," I prompted exasperatedly, aghast that he didn't know of the glory of the movie, gamer or no.

"Oh yeah . . ." it hit him. "Wasn't that the movie that lost to Wallace and Gromit at the Oscars?"

"And when I get my hands on the Academy, their skulls will be made into COMMUNAL NUTBOWLS and placed in SEEDY BARS!" I declared, teeth sharpening and tongue snaking out in my wrath.

Skye eeped and backed away sloooooowly from the crazy otaku.

"Wait . . . " I realized. "If this is Kingsbury . . . then that means . . . OMG! HARU!"

I'm certain my fangirl squealing reached a new octave that was as yet unknown to man.

"Do you know what this means!" I asked Skye, grabbing onto his vest and pushing my face freakishly close to his.

"I'll have to make a new costume to replace the one you're ripping now?"

"No!" I shouted impatiently. "It means that if I go out and knock at the door once you close it, I could see Haru! And Markl! And Calcifer! SQUEEE!"

I ran out of the door and into the bright Kingsbury sunlight, pushing the door closed (which despite being nothing but driftwood on Skye's side, was a very elegantly carved door on mine). I gave a great big smile and kicked on the door, fully prepared to kiss and glomp whoever or whatever answered my knock.

The door creaked open and Skye hesitantly poked his nose out.

"Oh. It's you," I sighed, crestfallen.

"Who else did you expect it to be?"

"An impossibly beautiful bishonen with magical hair that can change color and length at will?" I retorted.

"I can dye my hair blue if you want." Skye sounded a bit sulky.

"No, then your hair would match your name," I breezed past him before he could come up with a suitable answer to my last, totally pwnzing comment. He made a face at my back and closed the door.

"Does this thing have a doorknob?" I searched the surface of the wood for any sort of a lump that might serve as one."

"No. Why would it?" Skye was confused. Again.

"Because that was how Haru's door changed locations." I replied. "If that was Kingsbury, then there should also be Porthaven and the castle. So we want back down, but there's no knob. Hn."

If Skye blinked any faster, his eyes would look shut. "Can I have a translation from otaku to gamer, please?"

I scowled. "Do you at least know the general idea of the plot?"

"Howl/wizard/guy gets Sophie/old lady/girl."

" . . . Oy."

I started on a quick five-minute lecture about the wonders of Miyazaki-sensei, the general plot of the movie, and how Skye should stop being a heathen and watch it. I think he lost about half the speech, seeing as he had the same glazed look on his face that I do when a teacher is lecturing me about doodling cartoon (they're ANIME, dammit!) characters during class.

"So let me get the door bit straight," he started, pondering my words. "Howl's castle door opened up to one of four locations, either Kingsbury, Porthaven, the moving castle, or some war zone based on the position of a blob of color on the doorknob. This door has become like the one in Howl's castle, and we just opened up one of the entrances."

"Well . . ." I hesitated. "There's actually eight entrances, if you also count the book."

"You read the book too?"

"It gives a better feel for the ambiance of the movie and helps with minor translation issues so that no nuance of the original escapes my notice," I defended.

Skye shook his head. "I don't think I'll ever understand you anime people."

"Don't even try to tell me that you didn't go looking for every cheat code and walkthrough you could when you first got Final Fantasy."

He winced. "Touché. Anyway, we need the black-down, since that also leads to whatever the heart desires, or something like that. In any case, since there isn't any doorknob here, it means we can only get to Kingsbury. Unless . . ." Skye trailed off.

"What? What?"

Skye abruptly walked to the door and started to open it again, but from the left side instead of the right this time. It swung open to reveal a quaint little sea town with gulls and a bustling market.

"Hmn. Porthaven." I glanced outside. "So each time you open the door from a different end, you get a different setting."

"Seems so," Skye closed the door and this time pulled it down to reveal a grassy hilltop, moving at a pretty steady pace.

"The castle!" I shrieked, and would have jumped out to admire it if a) it wasn't moving quite so fast, and b) Skye hadn't had a death grip on the collar of my blouse.

"Ah! Watch it! That'll tear!" I attempted to see down my back for any ripped seams, brushing off the invisible dirt he deposited there.

"Would you stop acting like a D&D group on crack every time you find a manga reference?" he told me off, closing the door again and this time pulling it up from the bottom.

A black veil-ish thing was the only thing visible in the doorway this time, and I poked a finger into the door.

"That what we want?" Skye asked.

"Possibly. It could be Wales, since that was also a black-down knob, but I doubt it."

"How come?"

"Because we couldn't get out and the story would end."

Skye gave a nod and grabbed my hand bishonen love interest style (or maybe it was bishonen hero style. I tend to get those two mixed up) and together we walked into the darkness.

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Titania tried her hand at a few of Jareth's parlor games while he was setting up for the next level of the quest. She discovered that she was particularly good at a game called "bullshit" since most other fae there were too scared to call any of her bluffs.

She tired of the game quickly, and returned back to the balcony and her personal camera, studying Raven and Skye intensely.

"You'd better win this, mortal," Titania breathed over the image. "I have a lot of money ridding on your adventure. Perhaps too much for me to do nothing but watch."

The Faerie Queen pondered for a moment, then snapped her fingers.

"Robin, I need you."

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Anime Lexicon:

DDR: OMG SO FUN! Basically matching up arrows with music and stepping where they tell you. I'm only on light mode now, working my way up, but there are some nuts out there who are practically flying across the mat.

"Costume . . . another world": In video games, they're ALWAYS ready for being whisked off, where as girls tend to be less prepared.

Doujinshi: Basically, a fan-made comic of a continuation of a series

Five gigs: Believe it or not, I've heard of one and two gig cards at Best Buy and places like that, for about 200 bucks. Hence, five gigs is extremely rare, which is why I made it up.

"Grrawwghhwaaallaaa?": Try making a gurgling sound in the back of your throat and also making a noise of complete shock and jealousy with a tiny growl. That's basically what this sounds like.

Youkai: Literally, demon. In Inu Yasha, there's a multitude of species of youkai, (dog, cat, cow, half-demons, etc) so why not fish?

Pompadours: I would like you to Google "Ryu shaman king." His hairstyle is a pompadour, hence it being a thing of legend. In the live action movie Kamikaze Girls/Shimotsuma Monogatari, there's a character who actually has a real-life one. It's very scary, but I recommend the movie heartily.

Kingdom Hearts: Hero's love interest whisked off by evil minions, best friend becomes pretty villain, blah blah blah. My friend recently got sucked into this, finally finishing beginner mode at 90+ hours, so I figure 60+ is good for Skye at expert mode. While it is quite stress relieving, I really suck at video games.

FUN THING TO DO IN KINGDOM HEARTS: Start the game. Find a tree. Climb up the tree. Hump the tree.

Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus: New video game out in Japan, not in English just yet. My very favorite J-Rock star, Gackt (Remember him from a few chapters back?) is a minor character. He's sooooooo prettyyyyy. -swoon-

n00b: Newbie in 1337 speak

kisama: Literally, bastard, although Japanese has so few major swear words, it's hard to actually get something strong enough to emphasize your point.

Kingsbury: A city in the movie/book Howl's Moving Castle/Haru no Ugoku Shiro.

Haru no Ugoku Shiro/Howl's Moving Castle: A very recent movie by the great Hayao Miyazaki.

Wallace and Gromit: I love the movie, I really do, but I think Howl should have won.

"Communal Nutbowls": An actual quote by the same friend, who called me right after the award was announced, and rather loudly pronounced this statement.

Haru/Markl/Calcifer: Howl/Haru is pretty, Markl/Michael is cute, and Calcifer is just damn cool.

**Instructions for making Calcifer:**  
1) Get a large pot full of soil. Have a hose on standby.  
2) Place as many sparklers as possible in the soil in a teepee-like circle, with the tops all connecting in at least one place with another sparkler.3) Take the last sparkler and angle it away from the rest, making sure that its bottom touches the bottom of another sparkler.  
4) Light the last sparkler  
5) Stand back.  
6) Really far away  
7) Take pictures and send them to me

"Magical hair . . . at will": If you've ever seen the movie, Howl's hair does indeed change length remarkably fast.

Pwnzing: Just got 0wnzored (Forgive my horrible 1337)

Black-down: I'm still kinda unclear as to how this knob works in the anime, but generally, I figure that it leads to wherever you want it to.

D&D: Dungeons and Dragons, an RPG. Tends to get a little weird/hyper along the way.

Wales: In the book, the black-down knob lead to Howl's home in Wales (giving me a whole new fetish for welsh accents)

"Bishonen . . . style": Grabbing the hand like a love interest, or like a hero trying to protect the weak female. One usually leads to the other.

Bullshit: . . . I couldn't resist. There are instructions online if you've never played.

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Please tell me if there's something I missed in the lexicon this time, it's about 10 o'clock here and my brain is starting to turn into a big slushie. Reviews are wonderful and inspire me to write more. Flames will be used to heat my freezing feet (Why is it always so cold in my room?)

I am taking requests for any sort of reference you'd like to see in here, especially for video games. Now that Skye's a major character, I need to keep putting references in here for him, but I'm rather game-illiterate.

((I just looked back at the pages written, and OMG, it's eight pages. Damn, I better get some nice reviews for this. Please?))


	6. The Argument Clinic

Hmm, I really should keep to some semblance of a schedule, but summer vacation started and Dream Live 3 came out and AIBA'S HIPS DO NOT LIE! Girls, for maximum squealing time, I want you to type "Kirakirakira" into the youtube search engine. I don't care if you don't even like Prince of Tennis, you will love this.

Disclaimer: I once had a dream where Jareth owned me and I was about to become the Goblin Queen, but I don't think that owning was mutual. -le sigh-

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"Go back! This is not the way!" A great booming voice warned from a large stone statue.

"Turn around! There is danger ahead!"

"Beware!"

"Would you lot SHUT UP!"

"Urusai!" I chimed in.

We had exited the hole/cavern/thing/cheese only to arrive in another cave, this one populated by a variety of giant talking stone heads, leading me to believe that Jareth was a closeted 70's rock music fan. Skye remarked on the similarity to a video game I didn't catch the name of. I observed that "Giant Talking Stone Heads" would be a great name for a J-Rock band. We both agreed that they were somewhat tacky and needed work were they ever to appear in a video game or manga. (Skye wanted smoother, for easier pixelation. I wanted more outlines, for easier drawing.)

"Do you think we should do what they say and go back?" I asked offhand, not really meaning it.

"Nah. Nothing to go back to." Skye replied, shrugging. "Besides, you see this in games all the time. The Grand List of Console Role Playing Game Cliches. #102 - Perversity Principle - If you're unsure about what to do next, ask all the townspeople nearby. They will either all strongly urge you to do something, in which case you must immediately go out and do that thing, or else they will all strongly warn you against doing something, in which case you must immediately go out and do that thing."

I blinked a couple times, then a few more times for good measures. "You wouldn't happen to have that entire list memorized, would you?"

"Yes."

" . . ."

"WHAT?"

"Nothing. I guess it's kinda like a manga too. If you don't go to the place you are/are not supposed to go to, then the plot is lost."

"Right. So, logically, if we keep following this path, we should come across another plot . . ."

A crystal ball rolled past our feet.

" . . . Point," he finished. "Perfect. White Materia from Final Fantasy VII."

I looked at him as if he was crazy.

"You're crazy," I informed him. "It's clearly the Shikon Jewel from Inu Yasha."

"What? It's totally White Materia."

"Shikon Jewel!"

"White Materia!"

"Shikon Jewel!"

"White Meteria!"

"Not to interrupt," a silky voice interrupted. "But you two are increasingly running out of time."

I spun around, about to tell off whoever it was for interrupting a perfectly good argument, when I saw it was.

Then the drool started to flow.

Skye looked disgusted. "Fangirls," he muttered. "You show them a bishonen, the next thing you know, there's an organized fanclub with posters and slashy doujinshi."

"Don't start! You fanboys practically started a cult over Rikku from Final Fantasy X!"

"You did the same thing for Squall!"

"Squall is the hottest thing on two pixelated legs. Rikku can't even begin to compare!"

"Ah-HEM!" Jareth broke in again. Skye and I both angrily turned towards him. Honestly, that was the second time he had ruined my argument.

"Since you two seem to be constantly frittering away your time anyway," he continued. "I don't think you'll mind too much if I take some away as well." He made a gesture, and a clock that had magically appeared when I wasn't paying attention started winding its hands forward, leaving me with all of three hours to solve the Labyrinth."

"That's not fair!" I gasped, outraged.

"All's fair in love, war, and Chinese leftovers," Jareth grinned gobinly. "But now that you mention it, perhaps I should leave you with a gift to make up for it."

He made another hand gesture, and the crystal again appeared in his hand. Jareth threw it down the hallway.

"No! The Shikon no Tama!"

"White Meteria!" Skye shouted at the same time.

"Would you cut that out? It's the Shikon no Tama!"

"White Meteria!" he argued.

"Is there something wrong with your eyes?"

"Is there something wrong with your brain? You keep switching names! Is it the Shikon Jewel or the Shikon no Tama?"

"They're the same thing, baka!"

We got a little caught up in our discussion again. Skye hardly noticed when Jareth disappeared with a cape swish that would have made Tuxedo Kamen envious. (Of course, I noticed. My bishidar no longer alerted me to the presence of a bishonen in the vicinity.) I merely sidestepped the silvery spinny thing of doom and continued arguing that 3-D animation does not necessarily make it more real. Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard screams of terror and shouts of "The Cleaners! Run!" but all I did was subconsciously translate that to the Japanese "Za Crenas! Nigete!" and think nothing more of it.

I'm pretty sure that we wasted at least another half-hour arguing about the metaphysical properties of crystals and their appearances in Japanese media, but the important thing is that I won the argument, the end of which went something like:

"Yes it is!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is!"

"FINE!"

"YAY! I win!"

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" . . . So how do we get out of here?" Skye asked. "Actually, the better question would probably be whether or not we _have_ enough time to get out of here, raid the castle, and beat Jareth up."

"What! You can't beat up the bishonen!"

"Sure I can." Skye looked at my expression and sighed. "Listen Raven. Cliché #189 – The Moral of the Story - Every problem in the universe can be solved by finding the right long-haired prettyboy and beating the crap out of him."

"But he's a king!"

"All the more reason!"

We were on the verge of another argument when Skye noticed something.

"Hey. What's that?"

"It's a clock. Don't' they have any in your video games?" I sneered. Okay, now I was being childish and immature, but so was he!"

"No, they're all digital," He shot back. See! "Was this here before?"

"Donno." Then it struck me. "Oh yeah. That's Jareth's clock."

"The one he used to reorder time?"

"Yup."

"I wonder . . ." Skye mused. "Do you think we could do it too?"

"What, make a clock out of thin air? I don't think so."

"No, dummy, reorder time. We've got Jarteth's clock, so we could play with it a little."

"First off, you're starting to sound like a pervy old man playing a dating sim. Second off, I'd like to know how you propose to turn back time."

Skye held up his wrist, which also had a watch on it. "When Jareth turned that clock forward, my watch did the same."

I checked my watch. Yup, mine had done the same.

"So therefore," Skye continued. "If we turn that one back, then these should reverse too."

"Let's test that theory," I said with a dangerous glint in my eye. I walked over to the clock, and with a flick of my hammer, smashed open the glass surrounding the hands.

Skye started at me. "WHERE in the World of Warcraft did you get that hammer!"

"Hammerspace. Duh." I said casually. Then, like a harisen on an inattentive Japanese student's head, it hit me.

"OMG I CAN USE HAMMERSPACE!"

(In case of a particularly thrilling or exciting development in a story plotline (i.e. a bishonen hair flip) it is necessary to not only squeal loudly in fangirlish delight, but also ensure that the people across the street know of your ardor, and consequentially, stay at least 50 feet away at all times, thus eliminating the need for a restraining order in case said fangirl tends to annoy/scare/anger/kill others with her teeming font of otaku knowledge.)

Skye was rubbing his ears in pain, wincing at my high pitch.

"What," he started. "In the world is hammerspace?"

"Hammerspace is a extradimensional, instantly accessible storage area," I explained. "It can hold anything until a person needs it. Whenever that person lookes like they are getting something from nowhere, they're actually reaching into hammerspace and pulling out whatever they need. It's not certain whether a person must have personally put an item into hammerspace to remove it, or whether they simply need to know that it is existent in hammerspace to reach for it. Pockets of hammerspace, or something similar, exist behind some trees, tent-strings, rocks, and other small or narrow objects, allowing cartoon characters to hide behind things much smaller than themselves. Hammerspace is often used synonymously with a magic satchel; the difference however is hammerspace is an actual extra dimension where items are stored, whereas a magic satchel uses magic to either contain these items or to access hammerspace itself. Hammerspace explains why a game character wielding a sword bigger than himself does not appear to be carrying one until he actually enters combat. Not much of the nature of Hammerspace is known, beyond the surmise that it contains blunt objects in vast amounts. It's clear that the hammerspace laws of physics are fairly peculiar. This can be observed in, for example, the way that many Final Fantasy heroes are able to carry 99 Potions and 99 Hi-Potions with no trouble, but have no room to carry a 100th Potion no matter how many other items they have, or also in the way that Pokemon are stored in their balls while you can then deposit them and other items into a computer terminal. Geez, where did you think Sora stored all those Keyblades anyway?"

"That was surprisingly informative and technical," Skye stared, as if I had grown another head.

"I used to be a Star Wars nut."

"Ah. In any case," Skye shifted the topic. "Let's check out the clock."

I nodded, and reached up to the clock's minute hand, pushing it gently counterclockwise while Skye looked at his watch.

He gave a large grin. "IT WORKS! MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!"

This time I had to clap my hands over my ears.

Skye looked a bit embarrassed. "Sorry. I always get like this when I notice something not in the tutorials."

I gave a grin. "So now we have unlimited time, and hammerspace. This is definitely looking up."

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Jareth was doing damage control.

Skye and Raven's teaming up had increased their odds slightly, but Raven's discovery of hammerspace and Skye's creating unlimited time had pushed up their numbers to almost beyond what the chart could show on its LED screen, and now more people were betting on their surviving and even winning the Labyrinth. He had to promise more "dangers untild" and start enchanting peaches, setting up the ballroom, instructing the trash lady to set up two rooms . . . it was enough to take the cling out of a Goblin King's tights.

He almost didn't notice the rather loudly dressed sprite trying to slink past him.

"Puck?" Jareth asked. There was no reply, and the fae kept sneaking on.

"Puck." A warning now, but still no reaction.

"ROBIN GOODFELLOW!" That time he jumped at least three feet in the air.

"Robin, what _are_ you doing?"

Robin Goodfellow slowly turned around and faced Jareth, giving a nervous laugh.

"Umm . . . you . . . that is, Titania-sama called me here . . . she said there was something she needed me to do."

Jareth frowned. What _was_ with this Japanese craze? Was it an addiction or something? Those humans were particularly addicted to their crack and pot. Even Robin was prey to this new fad, though granted, he was seeming a bit unlike himself at the moment.

"Can I go now?" Robin shifted about a bit on his feet, obviously uncomfortable.

"Fine, fine. Go to your mistress." Jareth waved him off through the throng of fae. What was wrong with that Puck anyway?

A few muffled shouts and Titania's laughter came from the balcony, along with . . . it was either one or two high pitched voices saying "Pretty scary blonde goblin!" Perhaps Puck and Titania were now dabbling in ventriloquism?

Jareth turned back to the gaming tables, shaking his head. Perhaps a game of blackjack would cheer him up.

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Anime Lexicon:

"Jareth was a closeted 70's rock music fan": Giant Talking Stone Heads? I can pick out "Rolling Stones" (sort of) and "Talking Heads" from that, both of which were active in the 70's, along with David Bowie (and his sock drawer).

The Grand List of Console Role Playing Game Clichés: Is actually a list. If you Google that long phrase and click on the first link, there is a list of clichés, that sadly, do actually happen a lot in actual video games. It makes the games more fun to mock.

White Materia: small spheres of crystalized spiritual energy used in the magic system of the role-playing game Final Fantasy VII. These spheres allow their users to cast various magics and use special abilities. Totally just stolen from wikipedia.

Shikon Jewel: I covered this before, yes? Plot point and shiny thing in Inu Yasha.

"You show them a bishonen . . .doujinshi.": Quite true. If I read a series and I want the bishies to get together, first thing I do is call my friend to see if she's already got some slash on them. Chances are, she usually does. That's why I love her so very muchly.

Rikku: Character from Final Fantasy X. Google image search for picture.

Squall: -drool-

"Squall is the hottest thing on two pixelated legs": Totally my quote. Mine.

Love, War and Chinese Leftovers: The day after we get Chinese takeout at my house, it's a free-for-all. If you haven't woken up early enough in order to eat the last of the shrimp fried rice for breakfast, then tough luck.

Tuxedo Kamen: Also known as Tuxedo Mask, from the series Sailor Moon. Should you ever watch the live action Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (available at animesuki), you will notice his manfully skilled cape swishes.

Harisen: Basically, it's just a paper fan, sometimes used by teachers to discipline their students. If you've ever seen Fushigi Yugi, it's Tasuki's fan.

Hammerspace: I gave a pretty thorough explanation above that was totally all taken from the wikipedia article, because I'm lazy.

Sora: Main character in Kingdom Hearts.

Keyblade: Sora's sword. Why all the bad guys are afraid of it when it doesn't even have a sharp edge, I don't know. However, I do know that he has at least a dozen keyblades that can be interchanged at points in the game, thus making me wonder where the hell all those swords are stored.

Bishonen hair flip: It goes fwip and the girls all go -faint-

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Hopefully I'll get past this writer's block in the next chapter. I make no promises, I have to watch after bratlings while I'm volunteering at a summer camp. I did think of a new fanfic idea though, while watching Aladdin, thus proving I should never watch kid movies.

Reviews will be loved and hugged and squeezed and glomped. Flames will be disposed of on the Fourth of July.


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